The Most Horrible Medical Procedure Ever Invented
The reason Doug will be sitting in today is that I will be undergoing the most HORRIBLE MEDICAL PROCEDURE IMAGINABLE for which I am not knocked out cold, a prostate biopsy. The procedure will be very early today, in fact by the time most of you read that article (and I don’t recommend that you do) I will already be at home, but given the preparation process and the actual medical care to be inflicted, I couldn’t imagine sitting on my behind for three hours, so I decided to use some of my sick time, something that I rarely do.
I was already nervous and worried, and then I read the article and discovered that there is an even worse way to do this thing, involving entry methods that will make a needle or two shrink by comparison. As bad as I feel like this is going to be, it could be worse…
All of this started, of course, because I wanted to get my flu shot. When I went to get it, my Blood Pressure was 188/140, and everybody went into panic and inflict medical care mode. A quick set of labs had them even more concerned, with my blood sugars “elevated.” So back on medication and a month or so later, my blood sugars are normal and my BP – which has always been on the high side is down in the 130’s/90’s. Not perfect yet, but getting there.
But… (cue ominous music here), my PSA was “slightly high.” That’s what medical professionals say when something is so far off the chart that they need to flip the page over to continue the reading. Then they frown and say, “Hmmmm, we need to check that.”
So my Prostate Specific Antigen is “slightly high,” which Dr. Sal explained to me doesn’t mean that I have cancer, it just means that I might have cancer and to be sure that I don’t they have to perform the above referenced horrifying medical procedure, which I am certain he will not feel at all, which is why he says it’s absolutely necessary to get done.
I get all the arguments for doing this. I love my life, my wife, my daughters and especially my son, who is the only person in the world for whom I would eat the heel of a loaf of bread so he can have a “regular slice of toast.” I waited so long to have my family, that I feel like I have to live to 90 to be fair to both Ben and myself. So if I have cancer (and I don’t), it’d be good to know now and start the processes of getting rid of it as quickly as possible.
But I have to be honest and tell you that I am a nervous wreck. I deal with nerves with jokes and crossword puzzles. So if you want to hear my best material or get the crossword clue that you can’t figure out, call me before 8am. After than I plan to be asleep and dreaming about the long and wonderful future with my family and my friends – including you!
By the by, if you’re like me, a guy over 50, here’s some INFORMATION ABOUT PROSTATE ISSUES and why you too should get checked out.